What If You Are The Toxic One In Your Relationship?
Signs You Are Toxic & What To Do About It
Romantic relationships can be comforting spaces but sometimes they can be detrimental to the mental well-being of one or both partners. Many times when we talk about toxic partners, we are usually pointing to the other person. The buzzword is Narcissist — even I have diagnosed my former partners with the buzzword.
It’s hard to see toxicity in one’s self.
My romantic partners were always the toxic ones in my books and I was the innocent victim of their toxicity. I was the naive girl who couldn’t help falling in love with abusive men who only wanted to hurt her.
Then one day, in the middle of an argument, a boyfriend called me manipulative. Even though I acted surprised and faked anger, it was a relief to hear him say that. I had suspected for a long time that there was something wrong with how I showed up in relationships. I just didn’t know what it was.
When he called me manipulative, I had something to work with.
Being single for some time has forced me to look at my patterns and recognize my toxic traits. In this post, I share my realizations and ways I am retraining myself. I hope it helps you look inward too. Perhaps you are the toxic partner in your relationship and not the innocent victim you have convinced yourself and everyone else that you are.
A toxic partner is someone in a romantic relationship who consistently exhibits behaviours and traits that are harmful, detrimental, or emotionally damaging to their partner and the relationship as a whole.
Some of these behaviours and traits are manipulation, extreme jealousy, dishonesty, control, lack of accountability, erratic behaviour and violence to mention a few.
Self-Reflection: Are You the Toxic One?
Self-reflection is the ability to examine one’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, actions, and motivations. It involves looking inward to get a deeper understanding of oneself, and one’s behaviour, in this case, as it relates to your romantic relationships.
Consider the following self-reflective questions. Listen to your internal dialogue as you read these questions. Remember, you are trying to learn something about your behaviour so allow yourself to hear what you hear and to feel what you feel.
Do I frequently belittle or criticize my partner?
Am I quick to anger or defensiveness in conflicts?
Do I regularly manipulate or control my partner to get my way?
Do I respect my partner’s boundaries and autonomy?
Do I apologize and take responsibility for my actions when I’ve harmed my partner?
These self-reflective questions can help you assess your behaviour critically and honestly. Recognizing toxic behaviours is a crucial first step toward personal growth and a healthier interaction with your partner.
My Toxic Nature In Relationships Revealed
Boys always seemed like a good idea. They tickled my fancy but they didn’t do any much else.
In my early years, I learned that boys could not be trusted (not a great or accurate lesson but stay with me). This belief that I couldn't trust boys/men led to how I showed up in relationships.
I got into relationships with an exit plan. Can you imagine getting into a relationship and at the start of the relationship, you already know how you’d leave? I know, I know — top-notch toxic trait.
The other thing I noticed was, I was drawn to unavailable men. If he is with someone else, he is a good candidate. I think on some level I didn’t believe I was worthy of love and commitment. Perhaps I didn’t think it was possible so why hope for it? Besides, when I dated a guy who was with someone else, it was seemingly easy to walk away anytime. After all, you have a girlfriend/wife/primary partner.
When that ex told me I was manipulative, I thought a lot about what he said and one day when things were peaches and cream, I asked him what he meant and he explained.
It was those little dramas I created to have my way.
It was how I dumbed down and pretended not to know many things.
It was how I acted cool with things I wasn’t cool with so I seemed cool.
It was those not-so-little things that rubbed him wrong and he didn’t know how to complain about what he could not understand.
In journaling about these toxic traits, I started learning that much of my behaviour was born out of fear. Fear that I would be hurt, that the boyfriend would break up with me or see me finish or not want to see me enough. Those fears made me act irrationally and even when the boyfriend would complain or point it out, I had a way of acting like I didn't know what he was talking about. It was like I was so used to being that way that I hid it, sometimes from myself.
I was selfish, manipulative, controlling and sometimes verbally abusive. Many of these things were learned from my environment and the fears I had about boys/men in general.
Signs That You May Be the Toxic One
Below are a couple of toxic traits. Read through and identify the types of toxic behaviour that you are familiar with in yourself. Remember, this is not about blame or fault finding, it is about helping you realize the challenge so you know how to do the work.
- Jealousy and Possessiveness: Over jealousy, insecurity, and attempts to control your partner’s life.
- Manipulation: Using deceit, guilt-tripping, or emotional manipulation to control or influence your partner.
- Lack of Communication: Avoiding open and honest communication and employing silent treatment instead of speaking.
- Emotional Abuse: Name-calling, belittling, or threatening your partner’s emotional well-being.
- Dishonesty: Telling lies and withholding information which affects trust in the relationship.
- Control and Dominance: Attempting to dominate or micromanage your partner’s decisions, actions, or social interactions.
- Neglect: Consistently disregarding your partner’s needs, feelings, or well-being.
- Passive-Aggressiveness: Indirectly expressing anger or hostility through subtle, non-confrontational means, making it difficult to resolve conflicts.
- Blame-Shifting: Refusing to take responsibility for your actions and consistently attributing blame to your partner.
- Isolation: Isolating your partner from their support network and making it hard for them to seek help or advice from friends and family.
- Threats or Violence: In extreme cases, resorting to threats, physical violence, or intimidation.
- Withholding Affection or Manipulating Intimacy: Using affection, intimacy, or sex as a bargaining tool or a means of control.
- Stonewalling: Refusing to engage in productive communication or giving silent treatment during conflicts.
- Comparisons and Criticism: Constantly comparing your partner to others and subtle criticism.
- Gaslighting: Manipulating the partner into doubting their perceptions, memory, or sanity.
- Financial Control: Controlling your partner’s finances or using money as a means of power and control.
- Ignoring Boundaries: Consistently disregarding your partner’s boundaries, whether physical, emotional, or personal.
- Excessive Demands: Expecting your partner to meet unrealistic expectations or demands, causing stress and resentment.
The Effects of Toxicity on Relationships
Toxic behaviour also leads to emotional wounds that fester over time. The emotional pain turns to resentment, withdrawal, and a general sense of emotional disconnection between you and your partner.
Toxic behaviour can create fear, insecurity, and emotional distance in a relationship. When one partner constantly manipulates, criticizes or is emotionally abusive, the other person starts feeling unsafe and naturally gets their guard up.
Over time, trust is compromised as one or both partners begin to doubt their partner’s intentions and sincerity, making it difficult to build intimacy. With trust and intimacy out the door, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship follows.
What To Do About Your Toxic Traits
Addressing toxic traits requires self-awareness, commitment to change, and often, professional support. The first step is acknowledging and accepting that you exhibit these traits.
The first thing I did was acknowledge and accept my toxic traits.
As someone who journals compulsively, I started keeping track of my reactions in my relationships by writing about things that happened, and my reactions to them.
With time, I started noticing the space between my thoughts and my reactions. I also started to tell my partner the truth about my toxic nature.
I was also in therapy and my therapist was committed to my growth and healing. She would kindly point out irrational behaviours and suggest that I try other ways of being.
Sometimes I did good, other times I fell into my conditioning but every time there was progress toward becoming aware of how my toxic nature wasn’t serving me, my partner and even my friends, parents and children.
To change toxic traits, you must work on rewiring your brain and making that change a habit that sticks. This may involve seeking therapy or counselling to gain insights into the root causes of these behaviours and to learn healthier coping mechanisms.
The Process Of Breaking Toxic Habits And Forming Healthier Ones
Breaking toxic habits and forming healthier ones is a gradual and intentional process. It begins with self-awareness, recognizing and acknowledging the toxic behaviours or thought patterns that need to change.
Once identified, set clear, achievable goals for transformation and intentionally work on replacing negative habits with positive ones. This is a process that’s different for everyone and some days will have you taking one step forward and two steps back, this too is a natural process of disrupting patterns. Keep at it.
Learning healthy coping behaviours, seeking support through therapy or counselling if necessary, and practicing new ways of being is how you rewire your patterns. It must be consistent though. One small step at a time is making huge changes to your brain that will come together to create new patterns for you.
Please be kind to yourself on days things don’t go as you planned.
Over time, with dedication and self-awareness, you can disrupt your toxic traits and create healthier behaviours that contribute to your personal growth and better relationships.
How I Are Repatterning My Toxic Nature and Choosing New Ways Of Being
I decided about a year ago that I would stay single. It wasn’t until the last 5 months that I took that decision seriously. I figured romantic relationships are where my toxic traits grow and fester and if I give romantic relationships a break, I will be able to better serve myself and pick out those toxic traits I want to work on.
“Decide” comes from the Latin word “decidere,” which is formed from the prefix “de-” (meaning “off” or “down from”) and “caedere” (meaning “to cut”). So, the root meaning of “decide” is “to cut off” or “to make a choice.” This root reflects the idea of deciding between cutting off other possibilities and selecting one option.
Once I decided no relationships for personal growth, deep inner work and creating a new way of being, the thirst for a companion died a natural death. I would probably do relationships in the future, but for now, it's not something I want to pour energy into especially as most of my energy is geared toward creating new possibilities and healing toxic traits and patterns. Things I do not want to gift my children.
For someone else, working on those traits in your relationship is an option. You can DECIDE to use those disagreements, fights and saying things in anger to learn how you behave and work on changing them. You can employ your partner’s help too.
Conclusion
Our toxic patterns emerge from deep within us so when you decide to work on it, resist the temptation to blame and look only at the other person. When you start your inner work with this mindset, you will easily see where your toxic traits stem. You will also spend less energy fighting the wrong people and focus on rewiring your brain for better relationships — with yourself and with others,
May the force be with you.
E.
