Psychological Abuse 101 — The No. 1 Reason Women Stay In Abusive Relationships
A Personal Journey into Understanding Abusive Relationships
Introduction
At 17, I was convinced I knew what love was.
But what I experienced was far from it. This boy whom I met by chance while I was star-gazing would become my single-pointed focus in school. He was always around and found ways to feed my need for a partner.
I thought it was cool when he started learning about me. He wanted to know my likes, dislikes and my fears.
Ten years later, I would meet another guy with the same style. He wanted to know as much as he could about me. He was particularly interested in my biggest fears. He said if I could trust him with my deepest fear, then he knew I loved him.
I thought I knew my deepest fear until I experienced psychological manipulation.
Manipulator Meets Victim
Love Bombing: A Manipulator’s Mask
Love bombing is like a fireworks display — bright, exhilarating, and blinding. It’s a manipulator’s tool to make you feel special and cherished.
According to this health site, Love bombing is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them. It looks different for every person, but it usually involves some form of:
- Excessive flattery and praise.
- Over-communication of their feelings for you.
- Showering you with unneeded/unwanted gifts.
- Early and intense talks about your future together.
The guy I met at 27 couldn't get enough of me. He wanted to spend his every free moment with me and blocked all my free moments so that I couldn’t nourish other friendships/relationships.
Another decade later, at 37, I was in the same situation with a guy who wouldn’t get enough of spending time with me. I admit this level of attention was intoxicating. I loved it and lapped it all up. Most times my head is bowed over my phone sending random multimedia messages to the object of affection.
Dark Psychology 101 — Covert Emotional Manipulation
In his book, Dark Psychology 101, Michael Pace says love bombing is used at the start of interaction. He says there is a chronological order of how the tactics follow love bombing. So for instance, he says Positive reinforcement follows Love Bombing.
Positive Reinforcement is when the manipulator affirms you and your strengths. In the love bombing stage, they have gathered information about you (likes, dislikes and even fears). They would commend you and speak about your level of intelligence for instance with a ton of positive feedback.
Intermittent Positive Reinforcement follows next. The manipulator begins to hoard positive reinforcements and only affirms sometimes. The victim starts to crave positive reinforcements while the manipulator begins to withhold them.
Reality Denial is the next step. This is basically Gas lighting. The manipulator makes the victim doubt their reality to the point that the victim begins to trust the manipulator’s version of reality over theirs.
Manipulator Indoctrinates Victim
The Shift: When Love Turns to Control
The descent into subtle coercive control is subtle. Suddenly, the constant attention feels suffocating. You’re told it’s just concern, but it’s a leash tightening around your freedom. Isolation from friends and family, relentless criticism, and a growing sense of unease begin to fill the quiet spaces.
Coercive control is a strategy the manipulator uses to dominate and manipulate their victim. It’s a theft of your autonomy, a slow erosion of your identity. You’re no longer a partner; you’re a puppet.
He would say that I didn’t look good without makeup. He wanted me to put some on before taking me out. Sometimes I obliged, other times I didn’t but every time a little resentment grew inside me. I knew there was something off about his insistence on makeup and sometimes my choice of clothing, but I was also telling myself it was love and care for me.
Sometimes you are not paying attention. You're worn out from life, work children, partners, bosses, employees and even the fish seller on the roadside. This person is providing all this love, care and attention. You allow yourself to be drawn and before you know it, the manipulator has gotten inside your mental space.
This can happen to highly intelligent people and even dumb dumbs. The brain and mind can be tricked by skilled manipulators. If you have ever encountered manipulators, whether in real life or on TV, you will notice there is a modus operandi. The question you want to ask yourself is, why does it always work for some people?
Manipulator Controls Victim
The № 1 Reason Women Stay In Abusive Relationships
Blame the Brain: In yoga school, I learned that the brain is adaptable to anything and with sufficient exposure to certain situations, the brain would adapt itself for survival.
This adaptation which is often a survival mechanism helps the individual cope with stresses and trauma in abusive situations.
The №1 reason women stay in abusive situations is due to changes in the brain structure.
By the time the manipulator gets the victim to the control stage, the victim’s brain structure has changed and adapted. This could happen faster if the victim grew up in a controlling environment.
Those early brain adaptation to manipulation is the thread that runs through where the victim is with a manipulative partner and where the victim was with a manipulative parent/guardian.
Because psychological manipulation/abuse is hard to detect and prove, victims of such forms of abuse will not detect or accept that they are being abused until later on when they can see it.
Here are some ways in which the brain is trained to endure abuse:
- Dissociation: The brain may use dissociation as a coping mechanism to detach from the immediate reality of the abuse. This helps endure the situation by creating a sense of emotional distance from the pain.
- Hypervigilance: The brain becomes constantly on alert for signs of danger or abuse. This state of hypervigilance helps the individual anticipate and react to potential threats, but it can lead to stress and anxiety.
- Altered Stress Response: Repeated exposure to abuse can alter the brain’s stress response system. The body’s natural fight-or-flight response may become dysregulated, leading to an exaggerated stress response or, conversely, a numbed response to stressful situations.
- Learned Helplessness: Over time, the brain may learn to feel helpless in the face of abuse, especially if attempts to escape or resist have been unsuccessful. This learned helplessness can lead to a sense of resignation and acceptance of the abusive situation.
- Trauma Bonding: The brain can form a strong emotional bond with the abuser, especially if the abuse is interspersed with periods of kindness or affection. This phenomenon, known as trauma bonding, can make it difficult for the victim to leave the abusive relationship.
- Cognitive Dissonance: The brain may struggle to reconcile the reality of the abuse with the individual’s feelings for the abuser or their desire to maintain the relationship. This cognitive dissonance can lead to rationalizing or minimizing the abuse.
- Changes in Brain Structure and Function: Chronic exposure to stress and trauma can lead to changes in brain structure and function, including areas involved in emotion regulation, decision-making, and memory. These changes can affect the individual’s ability to process and respond to the abuse.
Conclusion
The number 1 reason women (and this can be men too, I speak of women in this article) stay in abusive relationships is the altered brain structure that's adapted to accommodate the abuse.
Change is possible and will extend to changing how the brain receives and processes information.
If you’re reading this and see echoes of your own story, know that you’re not alone. Coercive control is a silent epidemic, but we can break the silence together.
In another post, I will share paths to recovery and healing.
Until then,
May the Force be with you.
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