Mother Doesn't Know Best — Sometimes, Mother doesn’t know.
How Controlling Mothers Can Create Arrested Development In Adult Children (+How To Grow Up)
I was born in 1984 and for most of my life, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with Mother’s level of control. I thought this was normal and of course, I did, that was the only mother and family I knew.
With my knowledge now about the brain and how it develops, I see what they mean by arrested development and how it was a part of my adulting experience not so long ago. I also see how yoga and mindfulness have increased my self-awareness. Helping me create new ways of being for myself in my relationships and with myself.
Do you know a grown person who behaves more like a child or teeneger? “Arrested development” is a term that describes this condition. It arises when a person is “stuck” at an early phase of emotional development.
The first sign of my arrested development phase was allowing Mother to choose my course at University. I wanted to be an actress — you know like, the next Genevieve. I also wanted to write but writing wasn't a topic for discussion. She said I had nothing to write that anyone might want to read.
I believed her.
In Secondary school, on career day, I watched a female broadcaster talk about broadcasting and decided I wanted to do that. When I got admitted to study Mass Communication at University, Mother decided Mass Communication did not meet her standards. She kept me at home an extra year to write JAMB again so I could get Law.
I studied Law at a private University, jumping JAMB to fulfil Mother’s dreams. I pursued Law to Master's level before accepting that I didn’t want to be a lawyer.
Impact of Arrested Development on Relationships
Do you have a partner who sometimes behaves like a child? This could be because they haven't developed mentally and emotionally past a level. They may have been stuck there because of trauma and excessive control among other factors.
As a child develops, the parent guides them into their personhood. In some cases, parents instead, mould a mini version of themselves or some desire they could not fulfil, completely ignoring whatever the child wants for themselves.
Mother hated the things I was interested in and wanted me to be what she wanted. I continued to indulge her behaviour because somewhere in my mind I thought if I followed her instructions, she would validate and love me back.
Mother’s excessive control made me develop coping mechanism. I could cope by playing small, lying, acting dumb, hiding, and acting like I didn't know.
As I grew up, these habits showed up in my romantic relationships and created constant drama. It was constant because something in me was used to playing small, pretending and then resenting for having to play small or pretend.
All of this was happening beyond my conscious awareness at the time - The effects of how my brain had developed from childhood. I would defend my excesses and hide under my victim cloak. Then I started reading some psychology and childhood development materials and started to see things differently.
Yes, some things could have happened differently in my childhood. I am learning I am not the only one. A high percentage of humans experience terrible situations. Many used it to propel themselves forward.
Why should it hold me down?
Stuck In Adolescence —
Following choosing my University course. Mother chose when I should marry, how I should raise my children and what I should do for work. This was as normal as when she told me in Secondary school that I was an average student and nobody expected much from me. It felt like a relief to finally allow myself to rest in my dumped-down state.
From learning about arrested development, I saw how I was stuck in listening to everything she asked me to do without question. Followed by the resentment that I was suppressing myself. I had practiced doing what she wanted so long, that I thought it was what I wanted.
In my relationships — friendships and romantic relationships, I saw this pattern too. It was easy to merge my desires with that of the person in my life. Creating an internal resentment that I had to suppress myself. Again.
Turning 40 and Finally Getting What They Meant By Grow Up
In 2022, I was talking to a teacher who said, ‘You are 38, you should know better than this.’ I remember thinking why she mentioned my age. I didn’t know what she expected me to know until she mentioned it. I also didn’t know why she decided that I should know it at my age.
Then when I turned 39, someone asked me, ‘What will you say you achieved by 40?’ Again, I hadn’t thought about that. I had already failed miserably by Mother’s standards. I had spent all of my twenties wondering if I was sane or insane — falling in and out of Mother’s expectations of me. In my 30s, I tired again. This time marriage and birthing little people. Then dragging all of it through the walls of my many phases.
I attended a friend’s 40th birthday service toward the end of 2023 (my 39th year) and heard many interesting things about the significance and goodness of 40. Suddenly, for the first time, I realized what my real resentment for Mother was.
She had wasted decades of my life trying to take me far away from what I wanted for myself.
And worse, I had wasted decades of my life believing she knew best what to do with my life. She didn’t.
Mother doesn’t know best. Sometimes, mother doesn’t know.
I was laying in bed a few days to my 40th thinking about what I had achieved or what I wanted to achieve.
It dawned on me that despite the massive opposition to my writing, I never truly stopped writing. I couldn’t.
Why the hell am I not taking it seriously enough to make it my main thing?
I figured believing I didn’t have what to write that anyone would read sank deep in my subconscious and I couldn't bring myself to own my writer status.
The second achievement was that I was clear about how I wanted to contribute to helping others learn about their own arrested developments (if any) and any other ways their personality and conditioned ways of being do not support an optimal engagement and enjoyment of life.
I am especially interested in new expectant mothers (post for another day)
How To Grow Up
I started studying the human mind sometime in 2010 but I was still very distracted with my life, my thoughts and social media to pay proper attention to what I was experiencing by not self-regulating.
Learning to grow up happened by reading a lot about these psychological conditions, going to yoga school (+ learning mindfulness tools that help me self-regulate) and teaching yoga and mindfulness to kids and adults. Teaching helps me relearn and integrate what I am knowing/learning.
I believe self-awareness is the highest tool you can possess when it comes to healing yourself from these psychological disturbances. Sometimes to heal from a long time trauma is to understand what actually happened and how your mind is still processing what happened in this moment.
Every other healing methodology will be more effective when you have an understanding of what happened to your brain and what's possible for your brain's potential if you choose to take control by Growing Up.
May the Force be with you,
E.
