Ditch The Victim Mindset — How To Become A Hero In Your Story
From Victim to Hero: Empower Yourself and Rewrite Your Narrative
For almost 20 years (and especially in the last 10 years) I believed I was a victim of life and this mindset became my identity and coloured all my experiences. It wasn’t until I was in yoga school, that I realized the real cost of my victim mindset and the urgent need to transform that mindset into one that serves me.
In this post, I share my process of recognizing my victim mindset and how I shifted that and became a hero in my life’s story. I also share a process you can adopt to begin to ditch your victim mindset and embrace your inner hero.
Who Is A Victim And What Is A Victim Mindset?
A victim is a person who has experienced harm, injury, or adverse consequences due to an event, circumstance, or the actions of another person.
A victim mindset, also known as a victim mentality or victim complex, is a psychological state in which an individual habitually perceives themselves as a perpetual victim of circumstances, other people’s actions, or the world in general, often attributing their challenges to external factors. This mindset can be detrimental to personal growth and happiness. This is one reason I feel compelled to share what I have learned about how to shift it.
Recognising The Victim Mindset
Recognizing a victim mindset within ourselves is the first step toward change. You cannot change what you cannot see and you cannot see what you don’t recognize.
It took me a while to see my victim mindset. In fact, the first time someone pointed it out to me, I was angry at them. How dare you accuse me of playing victim? Off with your head!
10 years later, it became abundantly clear what the person tried to communicate.
I’m not sure when this victim mindset developed but for a long time, I believed life was against me, people were out to hurt and take advantage of me and life was generally unfair to me. I always expected the worst and going by the way expectations work, the worst always followed me. Or so I thought.
The Shift — The Victim Mindset Was Given To Me
In 2019, I was in India to be certified to teach yoga. The process of learning yoga was deeply transformative and it took about 3 years to start to integrate many of the theories I learned during my first Yoga Teacher’s Training. Then, I attended an Advanced Yoga Teacher’s Training and this is where the victim mindset was caught and strangled.
My Trainer asked me one day, ‘Why do you hold back?’ Not sure what she meant, I asked her to clarify. She said she had noticed that I act like I don’t know things yet she perceived and saw different. I still didn’t get what she meant until she asked me to journal about why I hold back and play small. Then she added, ‘Do you know what it takes to write a book? You have written one, so I am not buying this act.’
That night, I thought a lot about what she said and the next morning, I journaled about it. I have been journaling for almost 30 years — it’s how I access my mind to figure out hard things about myself. As I journaled about why I held back, something interesting showed up on the page.
Excerpt from My Journal entry on 12th February 2023 -
What’s really holding me back? In Yoga asana, in recalling Sanskrit, from engaging people intellectually, from completing that book project, from filling my own cup, from giving of my talent, from saying no, from quiting the people-pleasing behaviour, from being consistent… WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK? It’s all in my mind.
Growing up there was an expectation of poor performance. Mother called me an average student and let me know all that was expected of me was to move to the next class, not to top the class. So, I moved to the next classes, many times at the bottom of the class. I remember this Secondary school one vividly and I think I made a decision then to play small. I held on to this decision for years, playing airhead to fit the role too. I carried on like this almost all my life until my yoga teacher is making me explore why…
Journaling taught me that I was told I didn’t know much, her exact words were, ‘You are an average student so nobody is expecting you to top your class, just move to the next class at least.’ Turns out I carried this average student remark through schools and even into relationships. I’d dump down so much in relationships to the point of resenting my partner. Then I encountered my Advanced Yoga Teacher Trainer and in 6 weeks, things shifted significantly.
Breaking Free from Victimhood — My Process
When I arrived at class the next day, I had a lot to share with my trainer about why I sat in that victim space. When I was done, she asked a couple of questions and gave me an assignment.
In Yoga School, we learned something called, ‘Self-Inquiry.’ It was a process of looking within one’s self to discover challenging ideas or aspect of the self that isn’t serving one’s good. Then replacing that way of being (in my case, victim) with a more empowering stance. My assignment was to do the Self-Inquiry using the victimhood mindset model.
Toward the end of this post, I will share the Self-Inquiry process using the victimhood model so you give it a go if you like. For now, let’s explore the victim mindset and how it can creep on you and colour your life’s experiences.
How A Victim Mindset Colours Your Life’s Experience
Below is a made-up story to help you see the victim mindset in play -
Jennifer was walking down Okene Road when a biker snatched her bag. She had just left Bereu De CHange with the dollars she was taking to the bank to pay for her International student fees. In the bag was also her passport which had a student visa in it, her car and house keys and also her inhaler. She screamed at the top of her lungs as the bike rode away. Jennifer soon had an asthma attack and fainted. She was rushed to the nearest hospital.
Jeniffer ended up losing the school opportunity, and couldn't save up enough money to buy another car. She soon found that she couldn't hang her bags on her shoulder. When going out, she would hug her bag in front of her chest, constantly looking behind and around her for bikes. One time she ran back into her house when she stepped out and saw a bike man looking at her.
While the actual incident that happened could qualify Jennifer as a victim of that situation, her fear and constant clutching of bags were due to the mindset she developed due to the incident. Jennifer lived like this for years until she could no longer bear it and sought help. She went through therapy and started trying to reframe the situation in her mind by constantly affirming her new way of being.
Self-Inquiry Using The Victim Model
After reading Jennifer’s story, does any personal story come to your mind? A lover jilted you and you now suspect every potential mate. A friend betrayed you so you decided no new friends. A boss harassed you so you decided to stop working altogether. In my case, my pastor from 10 years ago failed me and I decided to quit church, God, Christianity and everything in between.
In these cases, one can develop the fear that rises from the victim mentality and never do certain things again. With the Self-Inquiry tool, you can visit what happened and teach yourself how to unlearn the mindset the actual event gifted you.
In doing the Self-Inquiry work, you will first identify where you believe you were victimized. For Jennifer, it was when her handbag (with basically her future plans inside) was stolen. For me, it was when my former pastor disappointed me.
Secondly, you will identify how that initial incident that happened shaped how you perceive other similar experiences. Jennifer was afraid to walk on the street with a handbag. She was also scared of all bike men that she couldn’t look them in the eye. For me, I suspected every spiritual leader and didn't step foot in churches for years.
Third, you will identify what this victim mindset is COSTING YOU. For Jennifer, it was costing her peace of mind anytime she stepped out with a bag especially when she saw bike riders. It cost me fellowship with other Christians and a natural resistance to religious leaders.
Next, would you like to change this mindset?
Naturally, we should want to change something that doesn’t serve but the thing with a victim mindset, at least in my experience, was, that I had believed myself a victim for so long, it was a part of my identity. I unconsciously didn’t want to let go of it. I mention this here so you are aware of any ways you are identifying with mindsets and ways of being that do not serve you.
Next, you decide HOW you want to show up instead. This is such a simple step, that it seems crazy to expect it to work. I decided I wanted to be mentally strong and responsible for my emotions and how I show up in the world.
Then, I created a statement that was going to be my affirmation. Affirmations, when used constantly, can reprogram your mind. It won’t happen suddenly, but as you speak your new way of being to yourself, you will start to believe it. You will also start to notice when you act out of the new way of being you are creating for yourself.
Over time and depending on how much you want to make the shift, you will begin to notice little changes in your mindset. In my case, I started reading materials about emotional intelligence, and mental strength and creating new routines to motivate change.
Your Turn — How To Become A Hero In Your Story
Ever heard of the Hero’s journey?
In summary, it consists of a person going on an adventure in which they face a series of trials, challenges and enemies. The hero returns home at the end of the adventure as a profoundly changed person, with new strength and knowledge.
I like to think of my life in these terms and you can too. You can take those parts of your life that no longer serve you and do your work around them. Sort of like the hero’s journey. You can face difficult realities about yourself and come through them wiser, better and a damn hero in your own story
Start Here
Take a moment for a self-assessment.
Are there areas of your life where you blame external circumstances or others for your problems? Acknowledging this mindset is crucial for transformation.
You may not yet believe it but you have the power to change your life’s course. You also have the power to shift the victim mindset and live your best life- your heroic life.
Go through the steps in the Self-Inquiry process again.
Do the work with a journal thsas writing has a way of clearing things out in the mind.
Create a short affirmative statement that you can repeat to yourself often throughout your day. For example, ‘I am the creator of my destiny, and I hold the power to transform my life for the better.’ Another is, ‘With determination and belief in myself, I can create the future I desire.” You can create any affirmative statement you like. The work is to make it part of many moments in your day. Speak it often like you are trying to recondition your mind and you will. You won’t immediately see results but if you stick with it, eventually, you will notice a shift.
In my case, after I started to notice the shift, I decided to test it by going to church. The first few times were tough and I stopped again then about 3 years after my first attempts (and after Advanced Yoga Teacher’s Training), I tried again and this time I could tell that I had moved past the phase that couldn't let me sit in a church building. I then made visiting different churches a sport and it became a fun thing to do on Sundays until I started to find the forgiveness and release in my heart. I had to forgive myself for those times I let anger create a different personality in me. I had to take my power back and become a hero in my story. And I am a hero in my story now all day -Everyday.
Obstacles on the Hero’s Journey
The path from victim to hero may have obstacles, but these challenges can be opportunities for growth. Learn to deal with setbacks constructively, stay committed to your transformation, and practice self-compassion and self-care along the way. When you fail yourself, go back to the drawing board and start over. You are allowed to start over as many times as you need. One day, you will see the results you desire
Conclusion
The rewards of shedding the victim mindset are immense. Celebrate your milestones and successes as you rewrite your narrative. And as you transform, you can inspire others to do the same (just like I am) breaking free from the confines of victimhood. Everything rises and falls in your mind — so if you see it in your mind, you will have it in your reality. The affirmations will plant those new ideas firmly in your mind.
The journey from victim to hero is a powerful transformation that empowers you to take control of your life’s narrative. By ditching the victim mindset and embracing heroism, you can rewrite your story in a way that is fulfilling and empowering.
May The Force Be With You :)
