Healing Emotional Unavailability Through Romantic Relationships
Dear Eseoghene, Kill Your Darlings — The Courage in Letting Go!
I recently broke up with my married boyfriend.
Let's call him Mr. X. My relationship with Mr. X was the most meaningful and intellectually stimulating connection I have had with anyone I have dated. The relationship brought me to my highest high and opened me up to a level of love and understanding I had never experienced before. On some days, the relationship brought me to a low-low. I’d sit up in bed punching in many words on my phone, craving the types of conversations I have with My X, wondering why our love can only exist in the dark.
Tired of complaining about the unchangeable situation with Mr. X, I decided to take some responsibility and look at my end of the stick.
Turns out I am only attracted to unavailable men. Looking back at my major relationships, I found that it was the men who were in relationships I was interested in. I had convinced myself that I didn’t really want a relationship so dating somebody’s partner was the best move. I am finding that this behaviour is deeper than what I had told myself it is and this is why I have written this letter to myself. My past self knows my patterns and can easily make the connection as you will observe in the letter.
I share the letter in case anyone else needs to write themselves a letter from the one person who knows them most, their past self.
Dear Eseoghene,
It’s me, Eseoghene — your 17-year-old self.
It’s about 4 months until we turn 40 and I and the others (18–38 year-old yous) have decided to check in with you as you make the next decisions for our life.
I see the commitment you have put into building yourself and I am proud of your efforts and results.
I also see that you have not much changed since you started dating aorund my age.
This is why the others think I am the best person to bring these things to your attention.
The Beginning — Remember the first time you learned about relationships. You heard mummy complain about daddy but you could not relate because daddy was your hero. After a while, Daddy told you that he loves mummy very much and still likes being with other women. He explained that being with other women did not affect his love for mummy. This explanation made sense so you encoded it in your mind. You believed ALL men act this way so you hardly had expectations of fidelity in your relationships. The question is, for someone who didn’t have expectations of fidelity, why do we get so jealous when our partner showed interest in another?
The Middle — Looking back on all your relationships, you were easily attracted to unavailable men. Even the man you ended up marrying was in a long-term relationship when you came into the picture. Your plan was to date an unavailable man until you fell in love and married him. No trust for him only meant the relationship was headed to its ending. On the surface, it seems it is the men who are unavailable (and maybe they are) but the constant factor is you, you are with them because you are not available. You can’t admit this of course so you go for the unavailable ones and you feed the story that there aren’t men out there for you. Question — Do you want to be in a relationship at this time? Is that what you need now? Or is it something that you think is expected of you to have/do so you are chasing it without really thinking about it?
The End — The irony of leaving a marriage to become a side chick. A love that can only exist in dark corners of sweet words, deep thrusts and salty sweat. Yes, it does feel good. Until it doesn’t. Until you find yourself doing that circle all over again of denying the pain, pretending not to feel, and acting tough so that the object of your affection is not turned off by your tendency for a mental breakdown. Or maybe the reason you are in another going-no-where relationship is because you do not need a relationship yet. Think about this one. All our life, you date because you are trying to escape being with yourself. See where that led? A deeper alienation from yourself to the point that you don’t really know why you want a relationship at all.
My suggestion? Kill Your Darlings. I can already see this phares working through your writer brain to when you first saw it in Stephen King’s book, On Writing.
In his book, On Writing, Stephen King writes, ‘kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler’s heart, kill your darlings.’
And this is what I say to you Eseoghene, Kill your darlings. It will break your heart but you already know a thing or two about heartbreaks and the useful aspects of pain. Remember Elevate? — You started 2023 with a theme of Elevate and you have done massive work to elevate yourself from the girl you were 20 and even 10 years ago. As you welcome the next 10 and 20 years, become intentional about how you want to show up in this world of form. Give yourself a break from dating and learn to embody self-love. It is when you have filled your cup that you can share this with anyone else. Plus, you will need some time to undo your wrong conditioning about men, romantic relationships and whether or not you are truly ready to share your life with another human being in the way that relationships require.
We are all rooting for you.
There isn’t a year that goes by that I havent felt proud of you.
You got this. Always.
With unconditional loving,
Eseoghene (Your 17-year-old self)
Why I Write Journals, Letters and Words to Myself
I’m not one to listen to and follow advice. Sometimes I listen and follow with plenty of mental struggle, most times I don’t, choosing instead to learn from my own mistakes.
When it comes to my decision about men though, I don't ever listen to anyone even though I ask for countless advice. Something in me refused to look at why I dated like I didn't mean to. Until now. I met and fell in love with one of the brilliant minds of this time but our love could only exist in dark places so I summoned my younger self to help me realign my reasoning by digging up what was feeding this warped sense of self.
I will write more about my patterns in relationships in other posts and how those patterns have led to my lowest low and my biggest epiphanies. In the end, all things serve.
If you’d like to learn how to journal or write letters to yourself that help you dig into issues you may not be able to tell anyone about, look at my Soul Script Newsletter where I share about the Art of Journaling and also give you challenges to help you tap into learning to harness the power of your words.
Pain is a part of life. Accepting this may be the only shift you need to make today.
May the force be with you.
